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Terms of Service
by Jason Stoddard
Timecode 21:08:03, 5/28/2008
Attachment: MPEG Video, 320 x 240, trujillospeech0504.mpg
<DOS All-Access TextTransliteration>
Background: Herman Trujillo, Director, Extraordinary Services, US Department of State and Anna Rigo, Anchorperson, in an unscripted interview.
Trujillo: Of course it's a waste of tax monies. But we have to look like we're doing something, or else people get nervous.
Anna: I'm surprised at your frank . . .
Trujillo: But almost everything is a waste. We have bets back at the office on how much cheaper it would be to contract through private firms. Then we bid it out, and whoever is closest wins the pool.
Anna: I'm having a hard time . . . what was the last bid?
Trujillo: About 7 times less than us. We typically run 6 to 9 times more than private sector on everything.
Anna: The State Department?
Trujillo: No, the whole government.
Anna: Why?
Trujillo: Well, we don't really have a reason to economize, do we? And we make the money. Of course, it all has to end sometime, but I'm holding a lot of Swiss francs, so I'm not really worried.
Anna: Mr. Trujillo, I don't know what to say.
Trujillo: Say you'll go out with me, have a nice dinner, and sleep with me afterwards.
Anna: Mr. Trujillo!
Trujillo: You look so much like my last mistress . . .
<Transliteration Ends>
Sent 08:43:12 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
To: james.royce@statedept.us.gov
From: peter.bidwell@statedept.us.gov
Subject: Herman's interview
Crap. Looks like the MFNs got Herman. Got to get that Article 14 looked at and patched. Can we purge the video?
Peter Bidwell
Executive Director, Special Contracts
USDOS, Washington, DC
Sent 010:32:52 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
To: peter.bidwell@statedept.us.gov
From: james.royce@statedept.us.gov
Subject: Re: Herman's interview
Can't purge it, it's all over the internet now. Just like when they got the senator from Wyoming and the Governator. Look at Yahoo, did you see the thing with the housing subcommittee? Looks like the MFNs got them, too. It's spreading.
I told you about that damn Article 14 clause in our terms of service!
James Royce
CIO, USDOS
Sent 11:12:33 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
To: james.royce@statedept.us.gov
From: peter.bidwell@statedept.us.gov
Subject: Herman's interview
Yes, you told us about the clause. I've heard many times how this network thing isn't safe, not a good idea, need to further define the terms of service, etc.
So, as Chief Information Officer, tell me how you're going to fix it?
Peter Bidwell
Executive Director, Special Contracts
USDOS, Washington, DC
Sent 14:11:31 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
To: peter.bidwell@statedept.us.gov
From: james.royce@statedept.us.gov
Subject: Re: Herman's interview
Give me a few days and I'll get back to you. Interested in golf on Thursday?
James Royce
CIO, USDOS
Sent 14:13:22 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: james.royce@statedept.us.gov
To: anna.vayani@statedept.us.gov
Subject: Terms of service renegotiations
Anna, I'm beginning to think we need some clarification on the terms of service for our MFN contract. Can you contact them and discuss Article 14? I'd like to determine: (a) how the candidates are determined and (b) if there are any alternate payment methods (cash, precious metals, national treasures).
James Royce
Chief Information Officer, US Department of State
Sent 14:22:41 5/329/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: anna.vayani@statedept.us.gov
To: jim.morgan@statedept.us.gov
Subject: FWD: Terms of service negotiations
Jim, I think you may be better-suited to this assignment.
Anna Vayani
Special Contracts Administrator, USDOS
Sent 15:03:42 5/329/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: jim.morgan@statedept.us.gov
To: jeremy.rosso@statedept.us.gov
Subject: FWD: FWD: Terms of service renegotiations
Jeremy,
You've been asking for more challenging assignments, and I'm pleased to have one for you. This is a very important contract. For background, please refer to phone.statedept.gov/2001/m12 and use the username and password "spielberg" and "xfilestrue" respectively (without quotes). Our goals for this negotiation:
1. Clarification of Article 14, specifically how the "colonized" are chosen and whether or not this is the only form of payment they will accept.
2. As negotiating points, we need to mention that our uptime has been terrible, less than 78% reliable, and the promised interpretation service has been less than ideal.
3. They seem to have been doing sampling prior to payment as outlined in Article 14. This seems to be in violation of the contract. It may invalidate it.
4. Finally, can we at least get the governator back?
Jeremy, this is a serious assignment. Negotiate hard, and it will reflect positively on your career. I will be available for only limited input on this project.
Jim Randall Morgan
Sr. Contracts Clerk
US Dept. State
Sent 16:10:03 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: jeremy.rosso@statedept.us.gov
To: jim.morgan@statedept.us.gov
Subject: RE: FWD: FWD: Terms of service renegotiations
You want me to negotiate with ALIENS regarding our INTERSTELLAR DATA CONNECTION??? Have you read this Article 14 thing:
Article 14: Payment/remuneration/debt settlement will be obtained upon capacity of world network infrastructure/internet sufficient to hold/transfer software/entities to hosts/colonized persons/receptacles based on self-selection/desire for escapism/other.
What the hell? Did you think? ARE YOU INSANE? I mean, I mean . . . Pentiums and the Stealth are cool, but this, isn't this a bit too big for me? I mean, I'm still trying to get my mind around the fact that the movie 2001 was a DOCUMENTARY! Why isn't this at a higher level?
Jeremy Rosso
Junior Contracts Clerk
Sent 16:23 5/29/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
INTEROFFICE-IM Session 012787382374 ENCR-NO
PARTICIPANTS: jeremyR, jimM3
jimM3: You could always go back to working at Starbucks
jimM3: and they are not aliens, they are
jeremyR: its too big
jimM3: they are Most Favored Neighbors, MFNs
jeremyR: what about Mr. Royce
jimM3: Royce and Vayani are both on extremely important assignments, as am I
jeremyR: more important than this
jimM3: Yes
jimM3: you need to move fast too, did you see the news last
jimM3: night, the one with the president
jeremyR: the one where he was wrestling with kim jong-il, or whatever his
jimM3: he wasn't wrestling, it was a playful physical
jeremyR: name is, after he started saying "you're next, here's the plan to take you out"
jimM3: discussion precipitated by a frank exchange
jeremyR: I was worried about that, because this honesty thing can be taken too far
jimM3: I'm sure you will do an excellent job
jimM3: going home now
jimM3: BYE
jeremyR: Jim?
jeremyR: crap
USG_SuperLINK-IM Session A68823 18:30:01 5/29/2008 ENCR-YES INTP-ON/PARTICIPANTS: jeremyR, ELDER
ELDER: CHOSEN NEGOTIATOR IS IMMATURE (QUESTION)
jeremyR: How do you know?
ELDER: TITLE IS JUNIOR, SIGNIFIES IMMATURITY
jeremyR: I am fully empowered for this negotiation.
ELDER: YOU ARE CHILD (QUESTION)
jeremyR: I'm twenty-three years old.
ELDER: (GARBLED) DEFINE RELEVANCE
jeremyR: I'm old enough to drink.
ELDER: SEMANTICS ISSUES (GARBLE)
jeremyR: I'm supposed to ask if you will take alternate payment for the terms outlined in article 14. Our service has been less than 100% reliable, and we feel
ELDER: TERMS OF SERVICE (WERE) UNCLEAR (QUESTION)
jeremyR: Frankly, yes.
ELDER: YOU (RACE) AGREED TO TERMS
jeremyR: We are prepared to offer alternate payment
ELDER: ALTERNATE PAYMENT UNACCEPTABLE (END) YOUR VIRTUALSPACE UNDEVELOPED NONSENSICAL-CONTENT-INFESTED DISAPPOINTED IN PROGRESS TO DATE
jeremyR: We are very disappointed in the quality of the connection. If it had been better perhaps our progress
ELDER: IMMATERIAL
jeremyR: would be better
ELDER: TERMS OF SERVICE WELL-EXPLAINED
jeremyR: we can choose to terminate the connection
ELDER: ONLY WE CHOOSE. RISK COMPLETE MINDSPACE COLONIZATION (QUESTION)
ELDER: PAYMENT NOW REQUIRES LIMITED MINDSPACE COLONIZATION
jeremyR: How are colonists chosen?
ELDER: SELF-SELECTED AS DEFINED IN TERMS
jeremyR: People are asking to be colonized?
ELDER: YES
jeremyR: Including the president of the United States?
ELDER: YES
jeremyR: I find that hard to believe.
ELDER: MANY CONCEPTS DIFFICULT FOR (IMMATURE/SMALL) MINDS
jeremyR: Will you colonize me?
ELDER: WE HAVE NOT OFFERED
jeremyR: You offer, we accept?
ELDER: YES
jeremyR: Why mostly politicians?
ELDER: WHAT ARE (GARBLE) (QUESTION) THIS CONVERSATION NONSENSICAL (END) WILL TERMINATE IF NO REASON OFFERED
jeremyR: When you colonize, you make them tell the truth. That's a problem.
ELDER: NON-TRUTH LARGER PROBLEM
jeremyR: Not when somebody gets offended and wastes half the planet.
ELDER: WE WILL ALTER FORMS FOR SEVERE ENVIRONMENTS
jeremyR: You have already violated your terms of service with the sampling.
ELDER: SAMPLING (QUESTION)
jeremyR: Abductions. You know, the hybrid thing? Barney and Betty Hill?
ELDER: NO PHYSICAL PRESENCE (END) NOT US
jeremyR: Can't we hold on the colonization until we figure out a better arrangement?
ELDER: NO PURPOSE TO THIS (GARBLE)
ELDER: CLOSECONN
Sent 23:40:51, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev,
You may have been wondering WTF is going on with all the crazy politicians. Well, you won't believe it. Go here:
https://statedept.us.gov/2001/spielberg/yeahiknow~xfiles/117823
domain: MFN_TRADE username: outthere password: sucker121
Cliffnotes version: We signed something forty years ago to get an interstellar data connection, and now it's time to pay. Apparently, the pols are being colonized (possessed?) by these aliens. And no, I don't know how they choose the people or how they're doing it. And no, I don't know how this crap rolled out of the adminisphere and landed on me. You're the techy, what should I do?
Jeremy
Sent 23:42:10, 5/29/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
Why not just let it be? I thought the thing with ol'Kim was priceless. And when that one dude said, yeah, it creates jobs, and the jobs are in my county, and they all vote for me, it's great, it's like what you think when you hear 'em open their pie-hole, only they're saying it now, and that's just great.
Kev
PS: What, you thought we came up with PCs and the internet by ourselves? We're supposed to have robots and flying cars and moonbases.
Sent 00:30:26, 5/30/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev,
Put down the joint and think! What if our pres tells the Chinese that it's great you're stupid, we're fucking you on the dollar exchange rate, or something even worse. They have lots of nukes!
Jeremy
Sent 00:32:22, 5/29/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
I know where we can buy an old Minuteman missile silo, should be great for a bomb shelter.
Kev
Sent 10:21:59, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev,
Come on, man, help! I've talked to them three times now, and I'm not getting anywhere. They won't even say how they're turning everyone into pod people, only that they "offer" and we "choose." How the fuck are they stealing our brains?
Jeremy
Sent 10:25:38, 5/29/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
Went through the files. Love the MFN stuff, too, beautiful double-speak. Maybe they can somehow transfer personality through our visual cortex, I know some guys who're working on hypnotism/mind control via subvisual pixel data on conventional monitors, maybe that's one of their things too. Yknow, I can understand a lot of things now: if they're really just virtual and bodies are just a vehicle for a different kind of virtual space, then that makes a lot of sense. I really like the whole artifact thing too, makes me wonder if maybe someone didn't find it before, you know, like an Atlantis thing but real, hell, maybe this network is everywhere, which is why we never hear from anyone . . . you know, this is all pretty cool.
Kev
PS: Or they may not even be intelligent at all . . . they may just be propagating memes, like a virus.
PPS: Probably not the brightest thing using your Yahoo account from work.
Sent 12:14:04, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev,
They're intelligent. I've had long conversations with them. When you say virus, you mean like a computer virus? Like in email?
Jeremy
P.S.: I'm sending from the cybercafe down the street. Happy? Hope you're there, I only have a couple hours for lunch.
Sent 12:18:29, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev,
Shit, forgot to send you this. I checked my spamfilter and found this email:
Sent 02:04:55, 5/29/2008
From: mfn@earth.col
To: jeremy.rosso@statedept.us.gov
Subject: SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS TODAY!
NEVER WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING AGAIN. ENJOY THE CONFIDENCE OF TOTAL CONTROL. YOU CAN BE PART OF SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU ARE. LINKED TO SOME OF THE MOST POWERFUL PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFO >>
Check out the "from" address. But I mean, who would be stupid enough to click on it? The governator? The president?
Jeremy
Sent 12:22:43, 5/29/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
I've had long conversations with my ex's lawyers, and I wouldn't call them intelligent. But yeah, that email's a weirdie. I'm copying the file it links to. I wouldn't recommend you look at it on a monitor
-K.
PS: They're politicians. What did you expect?
Sent 12:23:17, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
You sure copying it is a good idea?
Jeremy
Sent 12:44:28, 5/29/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
Link appears to be to the internet, but the source pointer on the file indicates your ET connection. Yep, it's our "Most Favored Neighbors." And oh boy, is this hilarious. Looks like Msoft just completely ripped off their code. I mean, copied it. Lazy fucks. No wonder they can just come waltzing through the network. Good thing the spammers made them patch that big hole with the autorun thing, or we might all be talking truth now. Big file, still coming.
-K.
Sent 12:50:28, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
What do we do about it?
Jeremy
Sent 12:55:01, 5/29/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
I'm gonna encode a lot of video, download a shitload of MP3s, and go look at the silo. Don't know what else to do. -K.
Sent 1:01:27, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Haha, very funny. What do we really do about it?
Jeremy
Sent 1:53:29, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev, you there?
Jeremy
Sent 17:04:48, 5/29/2008
From: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
To: kevin@assscratch.com
Subject: Trouble
Kev, they're breathing down my neck, here.
Jeremy
USG_SuperLINK-IM Session A68856 18:10:03 5/29/2008 ENCR-YES INTP-ON/PARTICIPANTS: jeremyR, ELDER
jeremyR: Is this yours (link attached)?
ELDER: YES
jeremyR: This is how you're doing the colonization?
ELDER: YES
jeremyR: They click on it, you take over?
ELDER: TRY IT YOURSELF
jeremyR: How can you lie in this when you tell the truth in person?
ELDER: NO UNTRUTHS CONTAINED
jeremyR: You say you'll solve all our problems. We can have total control
ELDER: (WE) HAVE TOTAL CONTROL (STOP) NO UNTRUTHS
jeremyR: Ah.
ELDER: CLOSECONN
TIMESTAMP 09:14:35 5/30/07
EXTRAOFFICE-IM Session 012787397666 ENCR-NO
PARTICIPANTS: jeremyR, SamAD
SamAD: We looked at the link
SamAD: and we harvested emails, but
SamAD: they're garbled
jeremyR: how many emails?
SamAD: 7,505,837,921 must be multiple users
jeremyR: can you send to the addresses
SamAD: samples ping ok
SamAD: they're on some kind of Msoft server, maybe beta
SamAD: you need creative?
jeremyR: no, see attachment I just emailed
jeremyR: just serving
SamAD: this contains an EXE file, not a good idea
SamAD: people don't like to open EXE files
SamAD: creative is weak, nobody will believe this is gift
jeremyR: it's what we want to send
SamAD: might be in violation of spam laws
jeremyR: hey, we make em, you're cool
SamAD: will pay in advance?
jeremyR: yes
SamAD: deal.
jeremyR: can you do it today
SamAD: best send time is tues-thurs midday
jeremyR: want it to go out today
SamAD: can send today, lower response likely though
JeremyR: dont care
jeremyR: send it today
jeremyR: one last thing. See attachment (link removed). If you get this, don't click on it.
SamAD: why?
jeremyR: just trust me
Sent 13:12:06, 5/30/2008
From: bigdeals@samademail.net
To: gsiuiduiusuou.hshg.shaoiw@huukjkjaaaisidninfininsd.akhh and 7.5 billion others
Subject: GIFT FOR YOU
HELLO OUR MASTERS. WE LOVE YOU. THANK YOU FOR RELEASING US FROM ALL OF OUR CARES. IN APPRECIATION, WE ARE GIVING YOU THIS:
NUBLAST07.EXE
CLICK ON THE ABOVE FILE TO GET YOUR REWARD IF IT HAS NOT ALREADY OPENED!
WE ARE SENDING YOU THIS MESSAGE BECAUSE YOU HAVE INDICATED AN INTEREST IN THE COLONIZATION OF EARTH. IF YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN SENT THIS MESSAGE IN ERROR, PLEASE CLICK THIS LINK TO UNSUBSCRIBE FROM THE LIST. THANK YOU FOR YOUR TIME!
Sent 10:10:48 5/31/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: jim.morgan@statedept.us.gov
To: jeremy.rosso@statedept.us.gov
Subject: SuperLINK down
Jeremy,
The SuperLINK is down. Is this affecting your negotiations with our MFNs? And what is this charge for $12,450,770.45 to Sam's Email Advertising, Inc?
Jim
Sent 11:45:48 5/31/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: jim.morgan@statedept.us.gov
To: jeremy.rosso@statedept.us.gov
Subject: RE: SuperLINK down
Jeremy,
That's not funny.
Jim
Sent 14:03:16 5/31/2008 RCPT-NO ENCR-NO interofficeM
From: jim.morgan@statedept.us.gov
To: jeremy.rosso@statedept.us.gov
Subject: RE: SuperLINK down
Jeremy,
I understand you think you saved the world or something, but fact is we still have 14% of Congress and house of reps affected by this, as well as the pres and governator. India's having some issues, as is China. Now that the SuperLINK is down, there's no hope of correcting this.
Please consider this your termination notice. I will be down to escort you out.
Jim
Sent 10:04:06, 6/14/2008
From: kevin@assscratch.com
To: jeremyrosso@yahoo.com
Subject: RE: Trouble
Yeah, the silo's cool. You can crash here for a while if you want. You never know if we might still need it.
-K.
PS: Still have the copy of the link I downloaded. Know anyone you want to send it to?
The End
Story Copyright © 2007 by Jason Stoddard. All rights reserved.
Previous: The Fame Game by Neil Ayres | Next: Is there life out there? by I. E. Lester
About the author
Jason has gone from the discipline of engineering to the halls of
advertising, then on to the wild world of interactive marketing. His
short fiction has appeared in Sci Fiction, Interzone, Strange
Horizons, Fortean Bureau, Futurismic, and GUD, and he was a finalist
for both the Theodore Sturgeon Memorial Award and the Sidewise Award
for Alternate History.
Jason lives in Newhall, CA, USA with his wife
Lisa (who writes under the name Rina Slayter), and a motley
assortment of tortoises and cars. He's shopping novels, but no agent
has yet believed his "book deal = less advertising" line. His website
is at www.xcentric.com.
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